soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
