The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
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