I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
