My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
