sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
