You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Your tits are I can't wait for
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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