I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
