I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
