I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
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I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
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I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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