I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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