im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Sorry about my life...
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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