i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
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