dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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