i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
