just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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