Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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