There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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