Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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