I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Randomize
