my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
