I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
