Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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