I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
