Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
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nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
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i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
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