Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
