she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Less talking, more tequila
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Holy sore nipples Batman
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
