The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
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