Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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