I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
We need to get me chipped asap
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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