I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
