I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
