Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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