the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
