Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
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