I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
