he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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