It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
