I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
