Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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