how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Your mouth is God's brothel.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Success! We fucked roommates!
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