Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
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