alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
