I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
