Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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