Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
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