The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
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