It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
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I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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