So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
