Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
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He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
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There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
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