my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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