At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize
