No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
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