I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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