so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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