this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
