I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Randomize
