Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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