got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
