If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
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